Envy...

Today, I found myself in the strangest position.  I found myself envious of someone who had nothing... well very little... but she had the one thing I wanted: to stay home and focus on raising her kids for a while.

Yup... I have a secure, interesting job where I meet various folks - some well known, others not so much - but I'm always learning from them.  I have a gorgeous home, and a loving man and the perfect child...  But she has the one thing that's weighing on my heart the most: the ability to be a stay-at-home mom for a while.  Or at least - the ideal plan - to work much fewer hours and spend real time - quality time with my child.

I've worked hard all of my life to develop a career, but now that I have this little person, I want to be with him.  And, lately my job has involved long, long hours, and limited quality time with my child.  It breaks my heart.

The corporate environment where I'm work values long hours.  Before I had the little man, I didn't mind this sort of thing.  I was often the first person in my office and the last to leave.  Now, I don't want to do it anymore. I just want to put in my hours and rush home to be with him. (and no... I'm no longer the first to arrive/last to leave... but I still put in an astronomical number of hours).

The only solution I can think of is to figure out a way to work fewer hours and get paid the same/more.  How cliche!  But, it's true.  It would be a great way to balance life and work.  I'm tired of living to work... Been there done that. I want to work to live.  Really live and enjoy life.  Is there something wrong with that?

Risk...

I've always played by the rules... I studied hard, did well in school, got good-ish jobs with pension and health care plans.  I met the love of my life, and now we have this gorgeous little man together.   I don't usually take risks without weighing my options very carefully.  (Case in point: I researched my most recent car purchase for months, then bought the most popular/award winning car I could afford... How's that for playing it safe?) Lately I wonder if playing it safe is really not getting me anywhere and if I should be taking more risks.

Would taking more risks lead to a more fulfilling life?

Life has gone by pretty fast, and I don't want to have regrets.  But, I have to ask myself.  What do I want?  And, what risks do I need to take to get there?

I have no answers... Just a thought... A hope... that the right idea will come to me when I need it to.  Then, I would be able to make the change and take the risk...

Liking...

It's amazing how much of a difference liking someone can make when you hit a snag.  Today the woman (formerly known as 'Ice Princess?') admitted to a technical error, requiring a re-shoot.  Normally, given the cost, tight timelines, expectations etc, I would have freaked.  Instead, I said that these things happen, and we'd try to re-shoot the footage.  And, it worked out.  We were able to get the 'hard to gets' to shoot again.

Liking made the difference.  I might have reacted very differently if she wasn't someone who I didn't like.  Odd, huh?

The Ice Princess?

A week and a half ago, I was assigned the task on developing a video to promote our organization.  My role? Be the 'go to girl', working with the production crew.

My first meeting with the creative director didn't give me the warm fuzzies.  She was one of these really stylish, bohemian types... You know, with long dark hair that just emotes smugness.  She had a slight cockiness - like she was the expert, and ideas shouldn't be imposed upon her.

I was a bit concerned... Perhaps very concerned... that the creativity was going to over-ride the objectives of this little film.

The little film isn't complete yet, but after working with her on the shoots for a couple of days, I've learned a bit more about her. Things like she bites her lips when she gets nervous, and she has the skills to make a great video.  And, the ice princess suddenly isn't the ice princess after all.  I now suspect my initial impression of her was of someone trying to project herself as confident, rather than to portray a sense of smugness.

Believe it or not... she's actually fun to work with (not the pee your pants laughter kind, but more of an intense adventure/sense of accomplishment kind)... and, yes... I think she'll do a great job.  Looking forward to seeing the final cut.

The Breastfeeding 'Rules'

I was one of the lucky ones who was able to nurse my child for as long as I could.  I followed the generally accepted rules at the time, and he didn't start eating solid foods until he was about six months old.  However, it seems the advice has changed now.  Apparently, there is new research out to suggest that children may develop better if they are exposed to solid foods earlier than that. Check out this story for details.

Reading new 'expert' advice seems to prove - once again - that no matter what we do as parents that we think is in the best interest of our child will have some research to prove it wrong. 

But, what is right?  How long should you breastfeed your child?

According to BabyCenter.ca, you should nurse your child for as long as it makes sense for each of you.  And, it's not unheard of for cultures to nurse their kids for more than two years. 

When is it inappropriate to be nursing your child?  In a recent article, it noted that one woman was breastfeeding both her five month old and her six year old. The article generated more than 160 comments - many of them negative.

I don't know the right answer to when a child should stop nursing; all I know is what was right for our family.  Initially, I hoped to stop when he was one, but he became very ill, and the doctors said that breastfeeding him was the best was to keep him nourished and comforted.  He continued to nurse in the evenings before he fell asleep until he was a little older than two. It seemed the right time for both of us - my son and me.

The controversy over breastfeeding will continue - how long before introducing solid foods and when to stop.  My thoughts are: you know your kid better than anyone else... you have to do what you think is right.

My Funny and Fabulous Kid

Being a Mom, I sometimes stop and marvel at the big kid my little baby is becoming.

Here's a little about him:

• T is almost three
• He's an only child
• He likes to have one sippy cup filled with apple juice and one with hot chocolate in each hand, so he can alternate sips
• He loves Toy Story and re-enacts the scenes in the movie
• He still isn't potty trained, likely because of Mommy and Daddy's laziness
• T loves to play... with toys, outside... everywhere
• He is fascinated by dinosaurs, cars and trains
• He wants to drive Mommy's car
• He's been swatting and hitting people lately (gasp... not quite sure how to stop that behaviour)
• His cousins - G, one year older and X, one and a half years younger - are his best friends
• He likes to sleep with Sid, a stuffed monkey I picked up years before he was born to accompany me on long road trips
• Sometimes I think he's 100% his Dad, but every once in a while, I'll see a little bit of me in him
• As a working Mom, I worry about spending enough time with him - I don't want to miss a thing, and I want him to be the best person he can be
• He loves going to the zoo and knows the animals there
• He's like a teenager... he always wants to stay up late and sleep in (groan)
• He's a flirt... knows how to blow kisses and wink (Daddy taught him the latter)
• Tuesday is library day, and he knows it
• I love him, and his Dad, with all my heart

My little man is growing up so fast... I know that's a bit of a cliche, but it's true.  I treasure all the time we share together.

So tired...

With the cold, windy, snowy weather, I am feeling particularly lazy, tired and apathetic.  Is this normal?  I ran out for about an hour to get milk and bread while the boys stayed at home, lounging in their pjs, but beyond that, I've been lazing on the couch, eating snacks and basically doing nothing. 

When I wasn't a Mom, I was okay with these kinds of days. I'd spend much of the day in bed, watching movies, reading books, eating whatever I felt like picking on and sleeping... lots of sleeping.  I'd take long bubble baths, write and do very little of anything productive.  I would enjoy these lost weekends.  They were infrequent, but I loved them.

Now, I feel guilty.  Guilty for not spending enough time with my boy.  Guilty for eating too much (I eat to try to stay awake and get energised... not working).  Guilty for not cleaning. And, guilty for wanting to declare tomorrow a sick day, even though I'm not sick (despite the temptation, I won't do that...).

I know I need to re-charge.  But, I'm not sure how.